The Hidden, Normal Lives of Gays and Lesbians (Named or otherwise)

It's still a massive scary struggle for many stuck in small towns,
tight-knit families, religious groups, and majorly homophobic
jobs or positions.

Public advancement of rights and attitudes doesn't reflect the
nature of mindsets in cloistered, isolated sub-groups where
little individuality or visibility flourishes.

In these inculcated units of repression and assimilation,
there is still much private suffering. Those who live in a daily grind
without support, those who are questioning and deliberating while
too afraid to seek out like people, and those who are fighting
against their nature and desire,  are all likely to receive an even
higher dose of venom and rhetoric, if not abuse.

The unstable, hateful forces that oppose us (and anyone who is
different) take advantage of the quiet, the unsure, the struggling,
and the conflicted.

Truth is that no matter how visible many of us are nor how much
public strides are made, the vast majority of us will always be
unspoken, unidentified, private, invisible...living quietly and
unannounced. Unassuming. Wanting sexuality to be only a simple
and minor aspect of the whole. (Or wanting to ignore it all together.)

They are, and have been, and will always be part of us.

They are no less important, nor any less one of us, than the most vocal
activist. And in all our zeal to be confrontational and visible, we cannot
overlook that they will bear the brunt of the ignorant in  retaliation
against us.

They cannot be forgotten.

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Tragedy

"I feel sorry for him. I think it's really sad.

What a tragic character. He's tragic.

People like Ted Haggard - that's tragic.

Or Mark Foley. These are living tragedies.

They're people who want to be part of a

society that does not want them, and so

they're willing to be secretive about their

sexuality and hide who they are, and really

who they are is not bad, it's not criminal at all.

But it drives them to sort of criminalizing acts.

It's really sad."

- Margaret Cho on disgraced Senator Larry Craig.

***



OUTRAGE

I think this election year is a perfect time to remind folks about
this incredibly revealing documentary, even though it's only the
tip of the iceberg.

Closeted politicians make for dire enemies. End the charade now.

******************************************************

Unnecessary Evils

When alone,  imagining my closeted brothers and sisters, I sob.

I sob from the depths of my soul and I ache.

The closet is a torture chamber that has no place in the modern world,
and yet I see more and more shutting themselves in; cloistered, dark,
separate, devastated, removed. It is as an epidemic; perhaps the new
epidemic that will destroy our tribe.

The only safety the closet offers is that of illusion and ill-met gains.
Temporary satisfaction. Hollow, seeming victory at the price of self.
It is a tribute to the wants of others, paid for with the loss of one's
own life and happiness.

Especially here in the south, this Biblically-devastated, tortured
strip of land where ignorance reigns supreme, and the dual life is a
cherished commodity. The constant game playing, the refusal of
self, the denial of needs, the self-deprecating belief systems....
it's an unseemly drama of Faustian proportions. This is another
level of Dante's Inferno.

The sharpest knife is the doubly (or is it triply?) fake betrayal
of turning on one's own; that those who could have been the key
of one's release and joy, now become the target of one's bile
and vitriol, all while seeking the grace and mercies of the company
of those who hate us (yes, us!) most.

It is the bitterest of ironies that those super-stars of high achieve-
ment and cunning--who hide their own desires deep--ingratiate
themselves to the establishment which has the power to crush
us all. They rise to positions of power, where in turn they sell
out the rest of us in order to procure their own esteemed seat
of continued well-being.

Over-achievers, desperately seeking compensation and acceptance
for their perilously self-destructive efforts to fit in. Assimilation
and conformity do offer much, sense their attainment requires you
rid yourself of conscience and soul, anyway.

We truly have the power to be anything, in this day and age,
and still we gladly sit in darkness while we are the only ones
who hold the keys to our prison.

Is this what 40+ years of protest and defiance has led to?

Is this the best the evolution of queer men and women can hope for?

Please, somebody prove me wrong.

***************************************************

A Culture of Duplicity & Inauthentic Living

Former Governor of New Jersey,  James E. McGreevey is perhaps
best known for his startling declaration in 2004 that he was gay and
had been having an affair with a male staff member.

His book, "The Confession", is a gripping and revealing tale of
a man's upbringing and all the facets of living a double life. It's
excruciating to read of all the secrecy and lies that people still
endure in this 'modern' age.

My outlook over closeted public figures has softened somewhat
over the years. I do know there is more than one side to the
story of how people act and live. This book is making me even
more sympathetic to the plight of men and women in this dilemma.

My take has always been that just because I live my life openly
and on my sleeve, I have no expectation that there is only one
way to live as a gay man. (Or woman, or bi, what have you.)

In fact, the way I live is indicative of maybe only 10% of the gay
population. Most favor a quieter, more discreet life. A simpler
and less confrontational way of being. What I do is not about
critiquing anyone else, or suggesting a 'better' way; it's the way I
have to live. And I want to change things in this world do that
no one else has to live a life of desperation like the one McGreevey
so heartbreakingly demonstrates in his autobiography.

All of the hurdles of denying one's own affections, living a life
for others' needs instead of one's own, the lies, the constant fear;
it's all achingly detailed in an honest and straight-forward way that
is engaging and real. For anyone who has ever dealt with feelings
of difference, or being gay, or who knows someone gay, I urge you
to read this book.

It's a blueprint for an unfortunately huge segment of the populace
that we need to address. There are still far too many hurting souls
out there. It's a call for all of us to live a more truthful existence.

WHY?

It's probably the most common response.


"WHY would you choose to put a bunch of
stickers on your vehicle?"

Visibility brings recognition, which brings
thought, which brings dialogue. Hopefully
then there can be understanding, compassion
and acceptance.

But, I also saw a need to reach out to the
largest segment of the gay and lesbian
population; closeted middle America.

Most gay men and women are not on the
streets protesting and being outspoken.
The vast majority live very quiet lives,
keeping to themselves and some never
even acting on their desires.

They have spouses and families and are
terrified of someone finding out about
who they are on the inside. The old
numbers of gays being about 10% of the
population were very conservative
estimates, in my book.

People attracted to the same sex are in
every family, every town, every state.

Every race, every age, every economic
status. Every political party (as these
last months have shown) and every religion.

Sexuality has nothing to do with spirituality
or drugs or mental illness, as some myths
have promoted (and are still strong in
small towns like Donalsonville.)

If people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual,
questioning, confused, trans, queer feel
that they are the only one who feels the
way that they do, they are likely to
suffer from depression, loneliness, and
isolation. People need to feel connected.
They need to know that someone else
understands what they feel and who they
are.

There is not one particular way to live.

If your sexuality is 'different' from what
the mainstream calls normal, you can live
any kind of life you want.

Many men could not exist without the
stability and love of their homes they have
built. They may choose not to act on their
emotions or desires, but having someone to
relate to their feelings is crucial to good
mental health. Knowing they are not alone
is a powerful medicine.

You can live as a gay couple but keep to
yourself. You can live as a single man and
drive to the big city to find companionship.

There are those who live double lives.
Some are flamboyant, some are butch, some
are just regular folks. There isn't a litmus
test for determining.

The point is not "How to figure out who's gay
and who isn't?" The point is "Why does
everybody feel the need to be up in everyone
else's business?"

So, confusing as it may be, I push the
envelope so that the idea of people's normal
expressions of sexuality are less threatening.

The more people know, the less they fear (in time.)

Having someone live outside the lines gives
a little more leeway to everyone else. If the
boundaries are pushed, minds expand. The
crazy emotions and animosity is right there, under
the surface anyway.

I'm not necessarily looking to be understood.

I'm just filling the role God gave me.
Like Dr. King said..."Men fear what they do not
understand..."

I refuse to keep the silence... or my designated
seat at the back of the bus.