"Beautiful Thing"...complete movie

Of all the great 1990s push of gay-friendly films, this is by far one of
my favorites!

Touching, funny, poignant, and personal in a way that transports you
back to your own first urgings in a real and powerful way.

Brilliantly blended to give a realistic yet sympathetic view, and so
effortless in delivery that you forget you're watching a film!

"Bullying as True Drama" (from The New York Times)

Bullying as True Drama


By DANAH BOYD and ALICE MARWICK

THE suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer, the 14-year-old boy from western New York who killed himself last Sunday after being tormented by his classmates for being gay, is appalling. His story is a classic case of bullying: he was aggressively and repeatedly victimized. Horrific episodes like this have sparked conversations about cyberbullying and created immense pressure on regulators and educators to do something, anything, to make it stop.

Yet in the rush to find a solution, adults are failing to recognize how their conversations about bullying are often misaligned with youth narratives. Adults need to start paying attention to the language of youth if they want anti bullying interventions to succeed.

Jamey recognized that he was being bullied and asked explicitly for help, but this is not always the case. Many teenagers who are bullied can't emotionally afford to identify as victims, and young people who bully others rarely see themselves as perpetrators. For a teenager to recognize herself or himself in the adult language of bullying carries social and psychological costs. It requires acknowledging oneself as either powerless or abusive.

In our research over a number of years, we have interviewed and observed teenagers across the United States. Given the public interest in cyberbullying, we asked young people about it, only to be continually rebuffed. Teenagers repeatedly told us that bullying was something that happened only in elementary or middle school. "There's no bullying at this school" was a regular refrain.

This didn't mesh with our observations, so we struggled to understand the disconnect. While teenagers denounced bullying, they - especially girls - would describe a host of interpersonal conflicts playing out in their lives as "drama."

At first, we thought drama was simply an umbrella term, referring to varying forms of bullying, joking around, minor skirmishes between friends, breakups and makeups, and gossip. We thought teenagers viewed bullying as a form of drama. But we realized the two are quite distinct. Drama was not a show for us, but rather a protective mechanism for them.

Teenagers say drama when they want to diminish the importance of something. Repeatedly, teenagers would refer to something as "just stupid drama," "something girls do," or "so high school." We learned that drama can be fun and entertaining; it can be serious or totally ridiculous; it can be a way to get attention or feel validated. But mostly we learned that young people use the term drama because it is empowering.

Dismissing a conflict that's really hurting their feelings as drama lets teenagers demonstrate that they don't care about such petty concerns. They can save face while feeling superior to those tormenting them by dismissing them as desperate for attention. Or, if they're the instigators, the word drama lets teenagers feel that they're participating in something innocuous or even funny, rather than having to admit that they've hurt someone's feelings. Drama allows them to distance themselves from painful situations.


Adults want to help teenagers recognize the hurt that is taking place, which often means owning up to victimhood. But this can have serious consequences. To recognize oneself as a victim - or perpetrator - requires serious emotional, psychological and social support, an infrastructure unavailable to many teenagers. And when teenagers like Jamey do ask for help, they're often let down. Not only are many adults ill-equipped to help teenagers do the psychological work necessary, but teenagers' social position often requires them to continue facing the same social scene day after day.

Like Jamey, there are young people who identify as victims of bullying. But many youths engaged in practices that adults label bullying do not name them as such. Teenagers want to see themselves as in control of their own lives; their reputations are important. Admitting that they're being bullied, or worse, that they are bullies, slots them into a narrative that's disempowering and makes them feel weak and childish.

Anti bullying efforts cannot be successful if they make teenagers feel victimized without providing them the support to go from a position of victimization to one of empowerment. When teenagers acknowledge that they're being bullied, adults need to provide programs similar to those that help victims of abuse. And they must recognize that emotional recovery is a long and difficult process.


But if the goal is to intervene at the moment of victimization, the focus should be to work within teenagers' cultural frame, encourage empathy and help young people understand when and where drama has serious consequences. Interventions must focus on positive concepts like healthy relationships and digital citizenship rather than starting with the negative framing of bullying. The key is to help young people feel independently strong, confident and capable without first requiring them to see themselves as either an oppressed person or an oppressor.

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Danah Boyd is a senior researcher at Microsoft Research and a research assistant professor at New York University. Alice Marwick is a postdoctoral researcher at Microsoft Research and a research affiliate at Harvard University.

Open Letter to Dr. Reisman

Taken from the Heartstrong newsletter:
An Open Letter to Liberty University School of Law Visiting Professor Dr. Judith Reisman

Judith Reisman: ...the aim of homosexual males and now increasingly females is not to have sex with other old guys and get married but to obtain sex with as many boys as possible. That's the reality. I wish it weren't, but it is.


Reisman also recently claimed, "Just as AIDS is a natural outgrowth of amoral sexual education and media, so too is child sexual abuse. We are breeding a new human character and child sexual abuse is increasingly part of that character."

Following Dr. Reisman's false statements about gay men and lesbians, HeartStrong founder and executive director Marc Adams sent the following open letter to Dr. Reisman, the LU School of Law and several media outlets. This was done to remind Dr. Reisman of the potential effects such pronouncements can have on young men and women as well as reiterate HeartStrong's call to be a voice for students who are unable to speak for themselves.


***************************************************


AN OPEN LETTER TO DR. REISMAN


Dear Dr. Reisman,

A few days ago I was sent a transcript of your appearance on Matt’s radio show as well as a link to an audio clip of the same show.


I was horrified to hear the things that you said about gay men and lesbians regarding pedophilia. As a former LU student and former fundamentalist Christian, I already understand the excuses that you have for believing such things.

Right about the age most kids are figuring out they are heterosexual via crushes on opposite gender friends at school, church and other social venues, I figured out I was homosexual. While I didn’t have a word for my feelings I certainly knew that I was feeling the opposite of some of my classmates in school.

When I was 14, I sat in a church service where the minister spoke about “homosexuals and faggots.” I had heard those words before but really didn’t understand what they meant. When he began describing two men holding hands in a picture in a national magazine, I immediately knew he was talking about the feelings I had for as far back as I could remember. He then went on to say that all homosexuals were child molesters and would get AIDS and die. This was 1982, long before scientific information was available about HIV transmission so naturally religious leaders and others chalked it up to a morality issue. But for that 14-year-old boy, sitting in that church, knowing I was a homosexual and believing a minister’s words that I would become a child molester, get AIDS and die, it was devastating.

Every night I would cry myself to sleep begging the God I chose to believe in to change me or take me. Every morning I would wake up disappointed that I would be one day closer to becoming a child molester, getting AIDS and dying.


The prediction of my future from the mouth of that minister continuously echoed in my ears. The prospect left me feeling lonely, depressed and desperate. I began thinking of ways that I could end my life with minimal physical pain. I was so concerned about disappointing the God I had been taught required my full heterosexuality that the only thing I could think of doing was ending my life. I decided that would be the best way to deter myself from continuing a life here on earth that I was told was destined for pedophilia, pederasty, painful illness and physical death.


Even though my fundamentalist parents deemed evangelicals like Jerry left-wing liberals, I would occasionally watch OTGH. On one show I heard him mention that God could change behavior from homosexual to heterosexual. Even though I had prayed for change as a young child, this was the first time I heard someone talk about my theory in public.

As I approached young adulthood, I was unsure when I would become the pedophile/pederast that I was promised I would become. I didn’t know if it would happen suddenly or gradually. The boys I had crushes on were my own age but that minister was very sure in his sermon that homosexuals were into having sex with children.

I rebelled against my parents and attended Liberty University as a way to find out more about how I could find this change in my life. I eventually found restorative therapy outside the school. (LU is NOT a trustworthy place if you are dealing with issues like this. I didn’t feel it was safe for me to get counseling on campus.) Over the years that I went through restorative therapy it was always difficult but I really believed I was doing the right thing. I felt that I only had two options for my life anyway; change my life or end my life. I just kept pushing to change my life.

At the beginning of my senior year I began questioning many things in my life (I know, not very politically correct thing to do at LU). I questioned mostly my racist and sexist fundamentalist Christian theology. It was clear to me very quickly that the adults in my life had taught me many things that simply weren’t true. I guess that is why fundamentalist and evangelicals are mostly against believers questioning and researching things.

In that questioning I realized that while I was feeling I had changed my behavior I had not changed how I felt on the inside. I only desired to be attracted to the opposite gender because people told me that was normal and right. My idolatry of acceptance was painfully obvious. I realized that my years of feeling broken, lonely and disconnected had nothing to do with my homosexuality but rather my believing adults like that minister whose words were obviously based on a religious belief rather than facts.

After escaping from LU, fundamentalist Christianity and the idolatry of acceptance I started meeting other people, mostly students from religious educational institutions who worshipped the idol of acceptance from their families, friends and religious beliefs. As someone who made it out of that burning building alive I decided that I had the strength to turn around and go back and rescue as many people as I could.

Since 1996, HeartStrong, the social justice nonprofit organization I founded has opened the door to truth and peace for many gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender students at religious educational institutions. Young men and women clinging to the edge of life after believing their lives were doomed by the words of religious school leadership and others.


My upbringing in fundamentalist Christianity, my attendance at religious schools for high school and college (at LU) authorized and empowered me to reach out and help students whose happiness and peace was stolen from them by religious school leadership and others.


The statements you made recently about AIDS, gay men and lesbians are no different from what I was taught decades ago. I have made sure that the many people who have heard me speak over the past 15 years were able to hear what you said so they know that things have not changed. The words you and others say, fuel HeartStrong to be louder and even more proactive in reaching students who suffer. Thank you for motivating us to work even harder.

I am curious when it is you think that I will become a pedophile/pederast. Since you share that belief with many others in my past I am very interested to find out when that will happen. Also, since you believe that AIDS is a punishment for immorality, can you tell me when I will become HIV+? You also stated that the media is responsible for AIDS. What media should I not listen to in order to avoid contracting HIV? You spoke with such authority and belief that surely you must have some idea when this will start for me.

Of course I am being facetious. Since your statements are false and based only on ridiculousness and your own fear of anything that doesn’t represent your version of heterosexuality, these things will never happen. You are old enough now to know that convictions based on religious belief don't make those beliefs valid or true.

I know you have extremely limited experience in this area and I know that no one has ever said this to you before, but words kill. Feeding lies like yours into the ears of young men and women who struggle to find light in the darkness you disperse, often find themselves wishing for a way out.

As a former LU student who sat in chapel services where similar lies were espoused I can say with certainty that what you say can cause someone to feel that suicide is the only way to freedom. The words you say can have a profoundly harmful effect of young men and women.

While I highly doubt that you will change your religious beliefs because I write you a letter, I wanted to make sure that someone communicated with you regarding the slanderous statement you made against gay men and lesbians and the harmful effects those words have on those young men and women who wake up every day disappointed that the God they cried out to the night before did not end their life for them.

I don’t know much about you or your life, but I hope that you don’t have children, grandchildren or great grandchildren. The opportunity for any family, religious or not, to have gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender members is the same as always. The words you have said could cause someone close to you to feel that the only way to live is to die. I might be wrong but I doubt you would want anyone you truly love to ever feel that way.

Sincerely


Marc Adams

Perspective is a Frighteningly Lovely Asset

fear is not meant as deterrent;
fear is the challenge...the jumping on point.

fear is the invitation to clean house.
It is the opportunity to access courage.
Because courage isn't learned, so much
as it is allowed to be. It's always in us,
waiting for a chance to burst forth.

There are lots of myths on this mud ball.
Myths like 'fear keeps you from doing
what you want.'
(Not true; Fear tricks us and lies, under-
mines, tainting us with doubt and worry.
It is not real, even  when we cling to it.)

Myths like 'fear is inherent and cannot be
overcome.'
(Not true: Fear is taught and beaten in.
It is a mindset, an imposed frailty.)

Myths like 'fear is absolute and imposing.'
(Not true; many great things have been
accomplished with fear running shotgun,
but not in control.)

Or how about 'fear is evident when felt.'
(Not true: I am astonished at how people
praise my fearlessness--from the outside
looking in--when nothing could be further
from the truth. I follow the adage; "Feel
the fear, and do it anyway.")

fear is an emotion; a trick of the light.
We each decide what to do with it.
In those moments, courage is tapped.

Next time fear calls, puffing itself up in
a telemarketing campaign of distress and
despair, just clear your throat and state
clearly and emphatically:
"No, bitch, the scared little girl doesn't
live here anymore! Stop calling!"
and then hang up on its sorry ass.

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Let's Stop Pretending

"Should gay kids be controllable saps who make good doormats, expected to silently endure shit and not respond in kind?
The Hell you say!!!"

Let's stop pretending that being nice and calm gets equal
treatment in return.


The only message a bully understands is that his or her
target is no longer going to be victimized by them.


We MUST teach our youth to defend themselves on every
level. Obviously, even with support, these times are tough,
and take a physical and emotional toll on kids already
dealing with the stresses of being a teenager.


Even the biggest sissy or flamboyant queen can--and
should--learn to protect and defend themselves. There
are judo and karate and tae kwon do classes in many small
communities. There are boxing rings and tracks. There are gyms
and online classes, instructional videos, tutorials.


But even before we get to this point, how do we change
the inner emotional landscape? Because it's the programming
we have inside that has kept us submissive, passive, and weak.


We have generations of gays, lesbians, bi, trans folks
who have been systematically trained and conditioned
in every area of their lives to believe that they have nothing
to offer the world. That we are sub-par people, even. In
many circles, the argument extends to our being evil or ungodly.
And this message is delivered covertly and overtly in a variety
of ways every single day. This political season is proving
especially harmful with all the deceit and hate being bandied
about for the sake of ill-gotten votes.

Having rejected religion and its false gods as ridiculous
superstition and supernatural conjecture, these myths
have no sway over me. But for many who are embedded in
a religious family or a church, where religion and 'belief' is
a lifestyle of fanatical observance, these promotions are
harmful indeed. These notions are looked on as 'fact' rather
than opinion. Science and common sense matter very little
to someone who is having their thinking done for them.


We must address the esteem issue, and where it originates.
The lack of connectedness is a real and damaging problem.
At the fragile stages of not being fully developed in self or in
standing up for self or having had enough chances to strengthen
confidence and competence, the overwhelmingly negative images
and ideas that bombard these kids serve to erode the newly
blooming self-love.

Add to this that we are all bashed and broken from birth to
defer to the authority of a particular place or system, so if we
are not being protected in a school, church, family, we feel
powerless and without the 'right' to assert protection on our own.
Furthermore, the complicitness of authority to allow our abuse
sends a signal that we aren't worth protecting. Nothing could be
further from the truth. The lacking of public officials highlights
their incompetence and shame, not ours.

We have to teach them to know and love and embrace
themselves fully, so that they know they are worth protecting.
They must overcome the intimidation of a world and its
oppressors that promote the falsehood of gay people being
'lesser.'

Let's stop pretending that there isn't a double standard in place.
Bullies--jackasses, violent people, poor communicators, scum,
religious terrorists, etc--seem to get a free pass in society because
people are either afraid of them or don't know what to do with
them, or both. But the rest of us, already the subject of a bully's 
taunts and harassment, are expected to take up the slack and
be the 'bigger' people. The good guys are expected to tolerate
and endure and smile sweetly and make a nice doormat while,
at best, fingers are wagged and empty scoldings are leveled at
bullies.

This is the way it has been for some time. There is a sense of
avoiding the reality of the hierarchy of the world; that might
does in fact tend to make right. (But let a 'victim' lash out or
fight back, defending themselves; then all holy Hell breaks
loose!) Why is it that it becomes acceptable with repetition
for a bully to do certain actions, and people become resigned
to it and even apologist for it, but a defensive strike against
these very actions draws excited fury? Like I said; double
standards, hypocrisy, unfairness.

Here's a tough pill; the world is full of those things. It's the
nature of the beast. But we still have to fight the battle.
We still have to take the battle to them. Zero tolerance
policies are important. Education and advocacy and
outreach are important. But the real battles are within.

However, Will Rogers said it so well;
"You can't legislate intelligence and common sense."

So we bear down and accept that the world can suck
and be unfair; and we recognize that we MORE than have
a right to be alive in it.  We MORE than have a right to live
well and be treated well. We have to aggressively learn a
better defense; think outside the box, stop passively awaiting
help to come from outside sources. Our hero is within. It
always has been...we just weren't taught that.

Stop striking in. Throw off the shackles;
Embrace your greatness, refute the lies.
Know your power.
You can do this.

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